WEBVTT Kind: captions Language: en 00:00:00.859 --> 00:00:03.389 London’s never really quiet. 00:00:03.389 --> 00:00:08.200 Even in the dead of night, there are still taxis driving, drunks shouting, and arguments 00:00:08.200 --> 00:00:10.960 echoing from top floor windows. 00:00:10.960 --> 00:00:14.790 Cleaners and airport staff trudge through the darkened streets on their way to work, 00:00:14.790 --> 00:00:18.320 not looking up at the bar staff and security guards plodding home. 00:00:18.320 --> 00:00:21.760 It’s probably better that it never gets really quiet, though. 00:00:21.760 --> 00:00:25.100 As much as the Thief would like to be able to hear the footsteps of someone else coming 00:00:25.100 --> 00:00:29.460 his way, it’s probably best that the noises out on the street mask his own. 00:00:29.460 --> 00:00:34.360 His theory is proven correct almost immediately as he jumps from the overpass down into the 00:00:34.360 --> 00:00:35.730 construction site. 00:00:35.730 --> 00:00:40.110 He makes it over the barbed wire fence but loses his footing on the landing and falls 00:00:40.110 --> 00:00:41.620 against a porta potty. 00:00:41.620 --> 00:00:45.110 The plastic wall splits, and he clatters through into the toilet. 00:00:45.110 --> 00:00:47.960 Sticking out a hand, he manages to stop himself. 00:00:47.960 --> 00:00:51.430 You’ll never guess where his hand landed. 00:00:51.430 --> 00:00:52.760 ‘Wonderful.’ 00:00:52.760 --> 00:00:57.719 For a moment, he slumps there, grumbling to himself, praying no one heard him. 00:00:57.719 --> 00:01:00.980 But outside, there’s just the regular hum of London’s nightlife. 00:01:00.980 --> 00:01:03.039 He’s safe for now. 00:01:03.039 --> 00:01:06.500 He straightens up, opens the door of the porta potty, and steps out. 00:01:06.500 --> 00:01:10.010 He has to crane his neck back to look up at the structure in front of him. 00:01:10.010 --> 00:01:14.549 He’s at the base of a block of flats, or at least what would have been a block of flats. 00:01:14.549 --> 00:01:18.409 He’d asked the chicken shop owner from across the street about this place earlier in the 00:01:18.409 --> 00:01:19.409 day. 00:01:19.409 --> 00:01:22.950 The man told him it was supposed to be a new development to attract young twenty-something 00:01:22.950 --> 00:01:28.159 professionals to the area, but midway through construction, the company shut down. 00:01:28.159 --> 00:01:32.610 Now the shell of the building stands empty, waiting to be knocked back down. 00:01:32.610 --> 00:01:36.650 With any luck, there might still be some building equipment around here that he can salvage, 00:01:36.650 --> 00:01:39.119 or maybe a bit of copper wiring he can sell on. 00:01:39.119 --> 00:01:42.710 At the very least, it will put a roof over his head for a few nights. 00:01:42.710 --> 00:01:44.610 He’s even got a toilet! 00:01:44.610 --> 00:01:45.610 Kind of. 00:01:45.610 --> 00:01:48.360 He’ll scope the place out and call his wife in a bit. 00:01:48.360 --> 00:01:52.090 After a long day working the market stalls, she deserves her night in the soup kitchen 00:01:52.090 --> 00:01:53.090 tonight. 00:01:53.090 --> 00:01:56.149 That place had stopped letting him in after the last fight. 00:01:56.149 --> 00:01:58.610 The pair of them aren’t exactly homeless. 00:01:58.610 --> 00:02:00.900 They just don’t have a home right now. 00:02:00.900 --> 00:02:04.780 The Thief sidles into the building, peering around in the gloom. 00:02:04.780 --> 00:02:07.829 Exposed concrete and girders surround him in every direction. 00:02:07.829 --> 00:02:09.729 There aren’t many walls in place yet. 00:02:09.729 --> 00:02:13.540 Just floors and ceiling, broken up by staircases and supporting pillars. 00:02:13.540 --> 00:02:15.610 It will be quite exposed down here. 00:02:15.610 --> 00:02:20.190 He needs to head up higher to see if there are any more secluded spots for the night. 00:02:20.190 --> 00:02:24.239 As he climbs up the stairs, the Thief hears voices above him echoing through the empty 00:02:24.239 --> 00:02:25.580 shell of a building. 00:02:25.580 --> 00:02:27.800 He peeks over the top of the stairs. 00:02:27.800 --> 00:02:29.390 This floor’s a bit more divided up. 00:02:29.390 --> 00:02:31.490 There are a few walls in place. 00:02:31.490 --> 00:02:34.930 He sees the light of what must be a fire dancing around the edge of one of them. 00:02:34.930 --> 00:02:38.080 That’s where the voices are coming from. 00:02:38.080 --> 00:02:39.530 Security guards wouldn’t light a fire. 00:02:39.530 --> 00:02:41.280 They must be homeless. 00:02:41.280 --> 00:02:42.280 Ugh. 00:02:42.280 --> 00:02:43.840 The Thief hates homeless people. 00:02:43.840 --> 00:02:46.629 Being surrounded by them so much at the moment is just demeaning. 00:02:46.629 --> 00:02:48.750 They have no morals, no standards. 00:02:48.750 --> 00:02:51.080 They just lie and steal. 00:02:51.080 --> 00:02:53.780 He spies a couple of backpacks leaning against the wall. 00:02:53.780 --> 00:02:57.870 He’ll have to be quiet, but with a bit of luck, he can sneak over and take one of those 00:02:57.870 --> 00:02:59.470 packs without any of them hearing. 00:02:59.470 --> 00:03:03.800 He creeps up to the top of the stairs, and a piece of metal glints at him in the dark. 00:03:03.800 --> 00:03:05.440 A sledgehammer. 00:03:05.440 --> 00:03:06.440 Lying there on the ground. 00:03:06.440 --> 00:03:09.290 He tiptoes over to it and lifts it into his arms. 00:03:09.290 --> 00:03:10.290 It’s heavy. 00:03:10.290 --> 00:03:14.220 If he can give it a good swing, it’ll keep him safe for sure. 00:03:14.220 --> 00:03:17.580 He grins and makes his way towards the packs on the ground. 00:03:17.580 --> 00:03:20.349 He gently loops a hand under the shoulder strap. 00:03:20.349 --> 00:03:23.049 Three, two, one… 00:03:23.049 --> 00:03:24.049 CLATTER! 00:03:24.049 --> 00:03:28.269 An empty can falls out of the side and bounces off the concrete floor. 00:03:28.269 --> 00:03:30.040 ‘What was that?’ 00:03:30.040 --> 00:03:31.230 Oh no. 00:03:31.230 --> 00:03:34.010 The Thief shoulders the pack and runs, but it’s too late. 00:03:34.010 --> 00:03:36.739 A pair of hands grab him and spin him around. 00:03:36.739 --> 00:03:39.739 The Thief staggers backward but stays on his feet. 00:03:39.739 --> 00:03:41.849 Three figures surround him in the dark. 00:03:41.849 --> 00:03:43.350 He doesn’t have a choice. 00:03:43.350 --> 00:03:45.269 He swings the sledgehammer wildly. 00:03:45.269 --> 00:03:49.709 It takes all of his strength just to lift it, but sure enough, he feels it connect. 00:03:49.709 --> 00:03:52.299 He swings it back the other way, hard as he can. 00:03:52.299 --> 00:03:53.940 His arms strain from the effort. 00:03:53.940 --> 00:03:56.060 A man yelps in the darkness. 00:03:56.060 --> 00:03:58.189 Something heavy thuds to the floor. 00:03:58.189 --> 00:04:01.040 For a moment, all four of them stand there in silence. 00:04:01.040 --> 00:04:02.739 The Thief holds the sledgehammer at the ready. 00:04:02.739 --> 00:04:07.189 He isn’t sure if he’s got the strength to swing it again, even with all this adrenaline. 00:04:07.189 --> 00:04:10.270 But the other men aren’t looking at him. 00:04:10.270 --> 00:04:12.879 The two on either side stare at the man in the middle. 00:04:12.879 --> 00:04:15.820 Or rather, what used to be the man in the middle. 00:04:15.820 --> 00:04:18.050 The man’s friends bolt for the exit. 00:04:18.050 --> 00:04:20.549 They run off into the night without a look back. 00:04:20.549 --> 00:04:24.300 Neither will ever be able to explain what they saw tonight… 00:04:24.300 --> 00:04:25.300 *** 00:04:25.300 --> 00:04:28.100 It takes a long time for the Thief’s hands to warm up by the fire. 00:04:28.100 --> 00:04:31.830 They feel cold and don’t stop trembling for a long time. 00:04:31.830 --> 00:04:34.100 So long that the sun is about to come up. 00:04:34.100 --> 00:04:36.530 There’s something red on the Thief’s hands. 00:04:36.530 --> 00:04:39.400 He can just about make it out in the flickering light. 00:04:39.400 --> 00:04:40.949 Must be blood. 00:04:40.949 --> 00:04:45.060 He wipes it on the ground and reaches into his pocket, fishing out the little brick phone. 00:04:45.060 --> 00:04:50.270 He’s only got 5% battery left and almost no minutes on the SIM, no time to explain 00:04:50.270 --> 00:04:51.270 the details. 00:04:51.270 --> 00:04:55.030 He just calls his wife, gives her the location, and tells her to come quick. 00:04:55.030 --> 00:04:58.330 She’ll need to jump from the overpass soon, before there are too many commuters on the 00:04:58.330 --> 00:04:59.330 rails. 00:04:59.330 --> 00:05:01.070 He’s moved the body, of course. 00:05:01.070 --> 00:05:03.440 He’s sitting next to it right now, actually. 00:05:03.440 --> 00:05:05.980 Couldn’t leave it out in the open for anyone to see. 00:05:05.980 --> 00:05:09.889 In this little nook with the fire, he’s well hidden from the outside world. 00:05:09.889 --> 00:05:13.990 There’s graffiti on the walls, this must be a popular spot. 00:05:13.990 --> 00:05:17.350 If anyone comes and disturbs him, he knows what he’s doing with them. 00:05:17.350 --> 00:05:20.130 The sledgehammer leans against his leg. 00:05:20.130 --> 00:05:23.610 After about an hour, he hears footsteps on the concrete behind him. 00:05:23.610 --> 00:05:25.150 He whistles once. 00:05:25.150 --> 00:05:27.360 Two whistles come back. 00:05:27.360 --> 00:05:29.660 His wife stops dead when she rounds the corner. 00:05:29.660 --> 00:05:34.410 He hadn’t told her what had happened over the phone, just that he’d found them a new 00:05:34.410 --> 00:05:35.410 spot. 00:05:35.410 --> 00:05:36.730 She’s staring at the body lying next to him. 00:05:36.730 --> 00:05:39.419 ‘Rose petals and candles usually work better.’ 00:05:39.419 --> 00:05:41.620 He shrugs and looks back at the flames. 00:05:41.620 --> 00:05:42.669 Not his fault. 00:05:42.669 --> 00:05:44.020 Self-defense, as always. 00:05:44.020 --> 00:05:46.020 But she doesn’t stop staring. 00:05:46.020 --> 00:05:49.060 It’s starting to annoy him now, it’s like she’s never seen a body. 00:05:49.060 --> 00:05:50.430 What’s wrong with her? 00:05:50.430 --> 00:05:51.550 Can’t she- 00:05:51.550 --> 00:05:52.770 Then he hears it. 00:05:52.770 --> 00:05:55.190 Soft rasping breathing. 00:05:55.190 --> 00:05:57.940 Very slowly, the Thief turns his head. 00:05:57.940 --> 00:06:02.440 Lying there on the ground next to him, with half of his head caved in, the man is still 00:06:02.440 --> 00:06:03.590 alive. 00:06:03.590 --> 00:06:06.900 Staring at them both through one horrified eye. 00:06:06.900 --> 00:06:09.240 The Thief grasps the sledgehammer and stands up. 00:06:09.240 --> 00:06:10.990 That just makes no sense. 00:06:10.990 --> 00:06:12.800 His wife looks puzzled too. 00:06:12.800 --> 00:06:15.080 They look at the man lying on the ground in more detail. 00:06:15.080 --> 00:06:20.470 A chunk of his head is missing completely, but the wound underneath is healed over. 00:06:20.470 --> 00:06:23.880 The flesh and brain underneath looks like it’s been cauterized, as it would if he’d 00:06:23.880 --> 00:06:25.120 been burned. 00:06:25.120 --> 00:06:28.940 And surely you can’t still be alive with that big of a chunk of your brain missing? 00:06:28.940 --> 00:06:30.910 ‘Strange,’ his wife mumbles. 00:06:30.910 --> 00:06:33.849 His hand joins his on the hilt of the sledgehammer. 00:06:33.849 --> 00:06:37.400 She takes it from him and caves in the homeless man’s head. 00:06:37.400 --> 00:06:41.650 In just a few swings, his head is a red mushy pulp on the floor. 00:06:41.650 --> 00:06:43.500 Definitely dead now. 00:06:43.500 --> 00:06:45.670 They both stare at the body for a bit. 00:06:45.670 --> 00:06:46.990 No more breathing. 00:06:46.990 --> 00:06:47.990 Lovely. 00:06:47.990 --> 00:06:49.000 Problem solved. 00:06:49.000 --> 00:06:52.560 But the red mush doesn’t look like blood. 00:06:52.560 --> 00:06:57.289 Incredulously, his wife extends a finger and dips it into the red mush on the homeless 00:06:57.289 --> 00:06:58.389 man’s head. 00:06:58.389 --> 00:07:01.629 She raises it to her mouth and has a taste. 00:07:01.629 --> 00:07:02.629 ‘Salsa.’ 00:07:02.629 --> 00:07:03.629 ‘Salsa?’ 00:07:03.629 --> 00:07:04.629 ‘Salsa.’ 00:07:04.629 --> 00:07:06.530 He doesn’t believe her. 00:07:06.530 --> 00:07:09.600 He leans down to take a nibble of the red mush on the ground. 00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:13.190 Sure enough, the cool taste of pico de gallo meets his tongue. 00:07:13.190 --> 00:07:14.780 It’s not bad, you know. 00:07:14.780 --> 00:07:20.130 Ignoring the sweaty grime of the homeless man’s flesh, it’s actually pretty good. 00:07:20.130 --> 00:07:21.759 The Thief looks over at his wife. 00:07:21.759 --> 00:07:24.680 She scoops two fingers through the goop and sticks it in her mouth. 00:07:24.680 --> 00:07:28.360 A grin spreads across her face, a glint lighting up her eye. 00:07:28.360 --> 00:07:31.900 He’s been married to her long enough to know what this face means. 00:07:31.900 --> 00:07:34.120 She’s got a plan. 00:07:34.120 --> 00:07:35.120 *** 00:07:35.120 --> 00:07:36.120 Finding the jars proves to be the biggest issue. 00:07:36.120 --> 00:07:39.129 Or at least, finding intact jars. 00:07:39.129 --> 00:07:43.250 Dumpster diving has never been the Thief’s favorite pastime, feels a bit too ‘homeless’ 00:07:43.250 --> 00:07:47.159 for him, but as he climbs out of his twelfth bin of the day with nothing to show for his 00:07:47.159 --> 00:07:51.060 efforts but a measly little glass jar, he thinks he’s had enough. 00:07:51.060 --> 00:07:53.400 He tosses a rotten potato at his wife. 00:07:53.400 --> 00:07:55.020 It splatters in her hair. 00:07:55.020 --> 00:07:59.190 It would probably stink anywhere, but amongst all this trash the potato is probably the 00:07:59.190 --> 00:08:00.660 best smelling thing around. 00:08:00.660 --> 00:08:05.009 ‘You throw one more bit of trash at me and I’ll be dipping tortillas in what’s left 00:08:05.009 --> 00:08:06.979 of you,’ she says. 00:08:06.979 --> 00:08:08.110 The Thief’s had enough. 00:08:08.110 --> 00:08:11.681 He clambers out of the dumpster and storms over to his wife. 00:08:11.681 --> 00:08:12.681 "This plan sucks. 00:08:12.681 --> 00:08:15.000 Why do I have to be the one covered in trash all the time? 00:08:15.000 --> 00:08:18.139 Why am I the one always breaking into construction sites?" 00:08:18.139 --> 00:08:23.710 He raises a fist above his head just as she spots the jar in his hand and squeals in excitement. 00:08:23.710 --> 00:08:27.030 She pecks him on the lips and excitedly tells him that they should have enough of them now 00:08:27.030 --> 00:08:28.430 to get started. 00:08:28.430 --> 00:08:31.319 Her lips taste of rotten potato. 00:08:31.319 --> 00:08:32.319 *** 00:08:32.319 --> 00:08:34.080 Back in the construction site, they get to work. 00:08:34.080 --> 00:08:38.289 Taking it in turns, they raise the sledgehammer above their heads and bring it down on the 00:08:38.289 --> 00:08:40.300 homeless man’s body. 00:08:40.300 --> 00:08:44.510 With every hit they expect the magic to stop working but it doesn’t. 00:08:44.510 --> 00:08:47.850 Dollops of salsa pool where bruises would normally form. 00:08:47.850 --> 00:08:52.000 While one of them pummels the corpse, the other scoops the salsa into jars, carefully 00:08:52.000 --> 00:08:56.340 screwing on the lid and writing little labels to go alongside. 00:08:56.340 --> 00:08:58.269 Artisanal Pico De Gallo. 00:08:58.269 --> 00:08:59.579 £3.50. 00:08:59.579 --> 00:09:01.170 Salsa made straight from the heart. 00:09:01.170 --> 00:09:03.510 ‘It’s not all made from the heart though is it?’ 00:09:03.510 --> 00:09:04.510 the Thief says. 00:09:04.510 --> 00:09:05.510 ‘Only one jar will be. 00:09:05.510 --> 00:09:07.760 The rest will be made from his bowels and stuff.’ 00:09:07.760 --> 00:09:09.570 ‘It’s all connected isn’t it. 00:09:09.570 --> 00:09:11.860 You can taste some in a bit and tell me if any of it’s different.’ 00:09:11.860 --> 00:09:16.300 He doesn’t really fancy trying bowel salsa, but his wife makes him. 00:09:16.300 --> 00:09:17.990 She’s the one holding the hammer. 00:09:17.990 --> 00:09:22.890 You know what, if he didn’t know it was bowel salsa, he’d never have guessed it. 00:09:22.890 --> 00:09:25.149 Tastes pretty much the same as all the rest. 00:09:25.149 --> 00:09:29.000 The pair of them manage to mash about half of the body into salsa that day. 00:09:29.000 --> 00:09:31.720 The remaining carcass lies on the concrete rather neatly. 00:09:31.720 --> 00:09:34.180 There’s no blood or gore at all. 00:09:34.180 --> 00:09:36.630 If anything this is a pretty sterile affair. 00:09:36.630 --> 00:09:37.630 Just salsa. 00:09:37.630 --> 00:09:39.839 ‘What are we calling our business then?’ 00:09:39.839 --> 00:09:40.839 the Thief asks. 00:09:40.839 --> 00:09:42.190 ‘Hobo Joe’s.’ 00:09:42.190 --> 00:09:44.540 His wife rolls her eyes at him and thinks for a moment. 00:09:44.540 --> 00:09:47.040 ‘El Martillo y la Pulpa.’ 00:09:47.040 --> 00:09:50.910 The Thief doesn’t know any Spanish so he just laughs and pretends he gets the joke. 00:09:50.910 --> 00:09:54.110 At least he hopes it was a joke. 00:09:54.110 --> 00:09:55.110 *** 00:09:55.110 --> 00:09:56.740 Two days later, a business is booming. 00:09:56.740 --> 00:10:00.190 From the first thing in the morning until late in the afternoon, the jars of salsa are 00:10:00.190 --> 00:10:01.490 selling like hot cakes. 00:10:01.490 --> 00:10:03.839 The two of them can hardly believe it. 00:10:03.839 --> 00:10:09.120 At lunchtime each day, the Thief has to go back to the ‘apartment’ and ‘restock’. 00:10:09.120 --> 00:10:13.120 Those are their codewords for going back to the dilapidated apartment complex and pulverizing 00:10:13.120 --> 00:10:17.170 the corpse of a homeless man with a sledgehammer, just in case that wasn’t clear. 00:10:17.170 --> 00:10:21.769 At £3.50 per jar, their ‘handmade’ recipe is pulling in the big bucks. 00:10:21.769 --> 00:10:24.520 Who’d have guessed that the homeless could be so profitable? 00:10:24.520 --> 00:10:28.450 The market they’re selling in apparently has a strong Mexican migrant community living 00:10:28.450 --> 00:10:29.460 nearby. 00:10:29.460 --> 00:10:33.850 On top of that, a handful of local moms started sharing photos of the artisan salsa from the 00:10:33.850 --> 00:10:36.200 local market, which surged the demand. 00:10:36.200 --> 00:10:41.570 It might even be time to start jacking up the prices, only they’ve got a problem. 00:10:41.570 --> 00:10:45.290 As the Thief arrives at the market with a wheelbarrow full of freshly filled jars he 00:10:45.290 --> 00:10:48.779 pulls his wife to one side to have a whispered conversation with her. 00:10:48.779 --> 00:10:50.720 They’re almost out of stock. 00:10:50.720 --> 00:10:55.690 And of course by the word ‘stock’ they really mean the cold rotting dead body. 00:10:55.690 --> 00:10:57.190 His wife looks at him incredulously. 00:10:57.190 --> 00:10:59.480 Does he really not see the solution here? 00:10:59.480 --> 00:11:03.460 If you’re running low on ingredients and your product is flying off the shelves, what 00:11:03.460 --> 00:11:04.500 do you do? 00:11:04.500 --> 00:11:08.019 You go out and source yourself some more damn ingredients! 00:11:08.019 --> 00:11:11.980 As the Thief walks away with his wheelbarrow and sledgehammer, he wonders why it’s always 00:11:11.980 --> 00:11:14.230 him doing the messy jobs? 00:11:14.230 --> 00:11:17.300 But try as he might, the Thief can’t find any targets. 00:11:17.300 --> 00:11:20.970 He walks around all of the streets near the block of flats but has no luck. 00:11:20.970 --> 00:11:24.670 He approaches one sleeping homeless man and kicks him in the shoulder, trying to wake 00:11:24.670 --> 00:11:25.670 him. 00:11:25.670 --> 00:11:26.670 Bad idea. 00:11:26.670 --> 00:11:30.480 The man starts yelling loud enough to attract the attention of everyone on the street. 00:11:30.480 --> 00:11:34.510 No amount of begging or bargaining is going to get this man to move an inch. 00:11:34.510 --> 00:11:38.610 The Thief gives it a go anyway and watches in shock as the man buries his teeth into 00:11:38.610 --> 00:11:40.130 his ankle. 00:11:40.130 --> 00:11:43.600 Limping back up the stairs into their nook in the construction site, the Thief has a 00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:45.399 scowl on his face. 00:11:45.399 --> 00:11:48.279 After a couple of hours, his wife arrives and joins him at the fire. 00:11:48.279 --> 00:11:51.829 It’s a good profit today, even better than the previous day. 00:11:51.829 --> 00:11:54.680 Keep this up, and they’ll be rich in no time. 00:11:54.680 --> 00:11:56.130 He grins at his wife. 00:11:56.130 --> 00:11:59.570 She leers back, then shoves the money back into her pocket. 00:11:59.570 --> 00:12:02.880 Hang on a minute, that wasn’t part of the deal. 00:12:02.880 --> 00:12:03.940 They’re partners. 00:12:03.940 --> 00:12:04.940 50/50. 00:12:04.940 --> 00:12:08.190 She bares her teeth at him and tells him she’s just holding onto it for now. 00:12:08.190 --> 00:12:10.490 The sledgehammer sits halfway between them. 00:12:10.490 --> 00:12:12.350 The Thief glances down at it. 00:12:12.350 --> 00:12:14.050 So does his wife. 00:12:14.050 --> 00:12:16.010 But that night, they are in luck. 00:12:16.010 --> 00:12:19.980 A drunk wanders into the construction site, he’s so wasted that he doesn’t have time 00:12:19.980 --> 00:12:23.810 to figure out that he’s been pummelled to death by a hammer until he’s just a generous 00:12:23.810 --> 00:12:28.339 splodge of salsa fresca slowly oozing across the concrete floor. 00:12:28.339 --> 00:12:30.440 The following night another two men saunter in. 00:12:30.440 --> 00:12:34.630 Then the Thief convinces an obnoxious local with a dog to follow him into the place the 00:12:34.630 --> 00:12:35.940 afternoon after that. 00:12:35.940 --> 00:12:39.660 The dog wasn’t worth the effort, it ran around a lot before they caught it and only 00:12:39.660 --> 00:12:42.910 produced enough salsa for a medium-sized garden party. 00:12:42.910 --> 00:12:44.649 But the haul is good. 00:12:44.649 --> 00:12:47.639 All of sudden, they are overrun with work. 00:12:47.639 --> 00:12:50.430 Jar after jar after jar. 00:12:50.430 --> 00:12:54.339 Everyone in the area keeps coming back for more, even telling their friends about it. 00:12:54.339 --> 00:12:57.500 This salsa is to die for, they have to know the recipe. 00:12:57.500 --> 00:12:59.080 ‘Dead Londoners, drunks, dogs. 00:12:59.080 --> 00:13:00.660 That kind of thing.’ 00:13:00.660 --> 00:13:05.290 The crowd of moms aren’t quite sure what the joke was but try to laugh anyway. 00:13:05.290 --> 00:13:06.970 Everything is going perfectly. 00:13:06.970 --> 00:13:10.170 Except, of course, for the Thief’s ankle. 00:13:10.170 --> 00:13:13.000 The bite mark went purple and is now on its way to green. 00:13:13.000 --> 00:13:17.290 The veins on his foot and up his leg are starting to look like a funny color. 00:13:17.290 --> 00:13:20.690 He should really go to the hospital, but he reckons it’ll be okay. 00:13:20.690 --> 00:13:23.470 Besides, they don’t really like him at any of the hospitals around here. 00:13:23.470 --> 00:13:27.620 He’s had one too many visits and been the reason for one too many for several other 00:13:27.620 --> 00:13:28.620 men. 00:13:28.620 --> 00:13:31.870 But that night, it’s clear that something’s wrong. 00:13:31.870 --> 00:13:36.050 As he and his wife sit on the pile of corpses next to their fire, he feels a cold sweat 00:13:36.050 --> 00:13:37.360 on his brow. 00:13:37.360 --> 00:13:40.090 His wife counts all of the coins into neat piles. 00:13:40.090 --> 00:13:42.720 There’s more in front of them than they’ve ever shared before. 00:13:42.720 --> 00:13:45.140 But his head is feeling swimmy. 00:13:45.140 --> 00:13:46.480 The Thief lies down on the corpse-bed. 00:13:46.480 --> 00:13:50.449 He’s back-to-back with an investment banker who took the wrong alley home on his walk 00:13:50.449 --> 00:13:51.579 home from work. 00:13:51.579 --> 00:13:53.120 ‘No lying down yet. 00:13:53.120 --> 00:13:55.509 You need to cook up a new batch before bed.’ 00:13:55.509 --> 00:13:56.829 His wife is glaring at him. 00:13:56.829 --> 00:14:00.720 He refuses, says he’s too tired tonight, and his ankle hurts. 00:14:00.720 --> 00:14:03.790 She starts grumbling at him about not pulling his weight. 00:14:03.790 --> 00:14:05.310 A switch flips in his head. 00:14:05.310 --> 00:14:07.379 ‘I’ll do more work when you give me what I’m owed. 00:14:07.379 --> 00:14:10.920 The money, I want my share now.’ 00:14:10.920 --> 00:14:13.110 His wife cackles and jumps to her feet. 00:14:13.110 --> 00:14:16.860 Fat chance, he’s not seeing a penny until he actually starts to contribute. 00:14:16.860 --> 00:14:18.820 She’s the one who came up with the idea. 00:14:18.820 --> 00:14:21.080 She’s the one who sells dozens of jars a day. 00:14:21.080 --> 00:14:24.020 She’s the one holding the sledgehammer right now. 00:14:24.020 --> 00:14:25.020 His eyes widen. 00:14:25.020 --> 00:14:26.579 ‘What are you doing with that?’ 00:14:26.579 --> 00:14:28.160 ‘You say your ankle’s sick? 00:14:28.160 --> 00:14:31.640 Well I know something that could help you with that!’ 00:14:31.640 --> 00:14:35.170 Before his woozy mind can register what’s happening the sledgehammer arcs through the 00:14:35.170 --> 00:14:36.750 air towards him. 00:14:36.750 --> 00:14:37.839 That sobers him up. 00:14:37.839 --> 00:14:41.899 Lucky for him, he manages to roll out of the way at the last moment, causing the sledgehammer 00:14:41.899 --> 00:14:44.220 to embed itself in the ground next to him. 00:14:44.220 --> 00:14:45.320 That’s it. 00:14:45.320 --> 00:14:48.139 It’s time for a hostile divorce. 00:14:48.139 --> 00:14:51.230 He hauls himself to his feet and grasps the hammer. 00:14:51.230 --> 00:14:55.199 Pulling it as hard he can towards himself, the metal connects with his chest and he feels 00:14:55.199 --> 00:14:57.220 the salse running down his ribs. 00:14:57.220 --> 00:14:58.899 He shoves her back. 00:14:58.899 --> 00:15:03.060 The sledgehammer catches her shoulder and salsa-rizes it, tomato chunks fly across the 00:15:03.060 --> 00:15:05.130 room and sizzle in the fire. 00:15:05.130 --> 00:15:07.770 Back and forth, back and forth the hammer swings. 00:15:07.770 --> 00:15:10.560 Hitting the Thief, then his wife, then him again. 00:15:10.560 --> 00:15:16.000 On and on until nothing is left but a sledgehammer, and two large piles of salsa. 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:21.240 Usually, it’s the smell that alerts people to a dead body, except for once, it was actually 00:15:21.240 --> 00:15:22.790 a pretty pleasant smell. 00:15:22.790 --> 00:15:26.149 Forensic police had to consciously stop themselves from having a taste. 00:15:26.149 --> 00:15:29.170 One of them even happened to have some tortillas in the car that day. 00:15:29.170 --> 00:15:33.290 By the time he returned to the station that evening, the packet was empty. 00:15:33.290 --> 00:15:36.520 He swears to this day that he ate them dry. 00:15:36.520 --> 00:15:38.200 It wasn’t long before the story broke. 00:15:38.200 --> 00:15:42.579 Some in the local press theorized that this was a bizarre viral marketing campaign from 00:15:42.579 --> 00:15:43.730 Doritos. 00:15:43.730 --> 00:15:47.310 Once that theory was out there, it wasn’t long before the story died. 00:15:47.310 --> 00:15:50.410 No one likes overly aggressive advertising. 00:15:50.410 --> 00:15:54.959 To this day, Scotland Yard hasn't got a clue what was going on at that crime scene. 00:15:54.959 --> 00:15:59.279 One senior investigating officer was unofficially quoted shaking his head and saying ‘I don’t 00:15:59.279 --> 00:16:04.069 know what the hell happened here, sometimes it’s best to just not ask questions.’ 00:16:04.069 --> 00:16:08.740 We all know it takes two to tango, but I bet you didn’t know it takes a sledgehammer 00:16:08.740 --> 00:16:10.350 to salsa. 00:16:10.350 --> 00:16:14.060 That was my attempt to draw some kind of lesson from SCP-3794. 00:16:14.060 --> 00:16:17.610 You can probably guess the nickname of this SCP already. 00:16:17.610 --> 00:16:19.180 The Salsa Sledgehammer. 00:16:19.180 --> 00:16:23.860 Currently stored in a standard item locker, this SCP is considered to be totally safe 00:16:23.860 --> 00:16:24.860 in the right hands. 00:16:24.860 --> 00:16:29.160 You could use it to demolish walls, break apart cinder blocks, or win over your new 00:16:29.160 --> 00:16:31.480 mother-in-law with a fresh bowl of homemade nachos. 00:16:31.480 --> 00:16:34.720 Assuming, of course, that you have the necessary ingredients. 00:16:34.720 --> 00:16:41.120 That is because, when SCP-3794 makes sufficiently heavy contact with living tissue, it immediately 00:16:41.120 --> 00:16:44.950 converts the point of impact and surrounding area into salsa. 00:16:44.950 --> 00:16:49.900 Affecting roughly 3-8cms around the impact point, this salsa does not adhere to the rest 00:16:49.900 --> 00:16:54.680 of the body and will immediately slide out of its crate and fall to the ground. 00:16:54.680 --> 00:16:58.690 Peering at the hole left behind, you will see the nerve-endings, capillaries, and even 00:16:58.690 --> 00:17:01.910 main arteries will all be instantaneously sealed off. 00:17:01.910 --> 00:17:06.560 This sledgehammer would make for a very clean murder weapon, if it wasn’t for the human-sized 00:17:06.560 --> 00:17:08.990 amount of salsa you get everywhere in the process. 00:17:08.990 --> 00:17:13.289 You would need to ensure you smashed up every part of the body though, as any disconnected 00:17:13.289 --> 00:17:18.020 limbs or tissues still function and follow orders from the brain as if nothing is wrong, 00:17:18.020 --> 00:17:20.680 as our Thief learned only too well. 00:17:20.680 --> 00:17:22.980 The salsa itself is good. 00:17:22.980 --> 00:17:24.799 Nothing incredible, but not that bad either. 00:17:24.799 --> 00:17:28.449 It just goes to show that if you stick an ‘artisan’ label on anything, then people 00:17:28.449 --> 00:17:30.460 go crazy for it. 00:17:30.460 --> 00:17:32.210 Testing on this sledgehammer has been suspended. 00:17:32.210 --> 00:17:37.299 A test subject was chosen to lie with his head over a generously-sized serving bowl. 00:17:37.299 --> 00:17:40.690 Researchers swung the hammer and demolished half of the test subject’s skull and brain 00:17:40.690 --> 00:17:42.680 in just one hit. 00:17:42.680 --> 00:17:47.350 Much to their surprise however, the subject continued to exhibit all signs of consciousness, 00:17:47.350 --> 00:17:51.380 moving frantically around the room and even writing the word ‘helped’ in the spilled 00:17:51.380 --> 00:17:52.380 salsa. 00:17:52.380 --> 00:17:57.059 The subject died thirty minutes later, the moment that researchers taste-tested the dip. 00:17:57.059 --> 00:18:00.030 Since then, the sledgehammer has remained in its locker. 00:18:00.030 --> 00:18:05.480 Although there is often now an air of suspicion whenever a jar of salsa shows up in the fridge 00:18:05.480 --> 00:18:06.880 in the break room… 00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:10.430 If you want to support this channel’s important mission, while also getting influence over 00:18:10.430 --> 00:18:15.090 the anomalies we cover and an exclusive look behind the scenes, check out the Dr. Bob patreon 00:18:15.090 --> 00:18:18.020 and become a junior researcher today! 00:18:18.020 --> 00:18:24.470 Now go and watch another entry from the classified files of Dr. Bob, such as “SCP-512, Cowbell”, 00:18:24.470 --> 00:18:28.090 for another anomalous object that unlocks a world of nightmares. 00:18:28.090 --> 00:18:32.080 And make sure you subscribe and turn on notifications, so you don’t miss a single anomaly, as we 00:18:32.080 --> 00:18:36.059 delve further and further into the SCP Foundation’s classified archives.